Atheist humor

Fun (and often informative) postings from atheist newsgroups.

• Subject: The paradox of God's existence part 2

  lh-mac24 wrote:

  God is by definition an all powerful entity. Now, the following reductio ad absurdum argument should conclusively show once and for all that he exists.

  Good idea! While we're at it, let me use the same argument to prove the existence of an infinitely high mountain.

  God is an all powerful entity, if God were nonexistent, then he would not be all powerful, but that violates the very definition of God. A powerless God is a contradiction. Therefore, god cannot be nonexistent (i.e he exists and necessarily so).

  Krom is an infinitely high mountain. If Krom did not exist, then it would not be inifinitely high, but that violates the definition of Krom. An non-infinitely high Krom is a contradiction. Therefore, Krom cannot be nonexistent (i.e. it exists and mecessarily so).

  I hope this argument settles the issue of the existence of God.

  Of course. He's sitting on top of Krom.
  --
  Andrew Lias
  
  
  

• Subject: PROVE TO ME GOD EXISTS

  (Thomas Ledford) writes:

  I have often wondered and even challenged people to do just the reverse. Prove to me there is no God!

  But we just did! Remember, the magic purple dragon under your bed gave you totally convincing proof that there is no god, and the invisible golden unicorn that hangs from your ceiling gave you another convincing proof.

  What? You don't see or hear the dragon and unicorn? Try opening your heart. What, unicorns and dragons don't exist? There's an amazing claim! Prove it.

  --
  Bernard Silver
  
  
  

• LP wrote:

  Thomas P. wrote:

  raven1 wrote:

  (fromUSAlive.com) wrote:

  What leads to disbelief in God?

  The same thing that leads to disbelief in leprechauns.

  The evidence for leprechauns is all around us.

  But remember, in order to see it this evidence, you must first believe in your heart that leprechauns exist.

  Of course! They would never force themselves on unbelievers. They do not want robots.

  Thomas P.
  
  
  

• (Rowland C) writes:

  I may be over-simplefying all this, but I believe in the God Jesus talked about, not because of any rational proofs which attract me (they have tended rather to *distract*), but from the starting-point of a relationship, with Jesus.

  Only one slight problem. In any other relationship, the other person is already known to exist. This is not the case here.

  As an analogy, suppose I tell you about Bumblesnoz, a small furry invisible creature from the planet Koozbain who lives on my shoulder. Understandably, you are skeptical that there is actually a Koozbainian living on my shoulder, and ask to see him. "But he's invisible", I say. You ask to hold him. "You can't, he's extradimensional and therefore can't be physically touched by normal humans." You ask him to give you the complete factorization of the number 2^(2^20)+1, thinking this would be easy for the advanced Koozbainian race. "Sorry, that's not really his speciality, and in any event Koozbainians don't like jumping through hoops just to satisfy human curiousity." You ask him to say the words "Galleo Hoop Hoop". "He doesn't have a voice-- he uses telepathy." You ask him to send you a telepathic message. "Sorry-- Koozbain- ian telepathy is neutralized by skepticism."

  After debating with yourself for a few minutes over whether or not to slug me in the jaw, you decide against it and instead ask how I know there's a Koozbainian on my shoulder if he can't be seen, felt, heard or otherwise detected. I answer, "The best way to learn about Bumblesnoz is to start a relationship with him. Try talking to Bumble- snoz sometime. Ask him for advice when you're confused. Ask him for comfort when you're hurting. Share your joys and sorrows with him. The reason I came to believe in Bumblesnoz was not a rational argument, but through my relation- ship with him."

  Would this convince you that Bumblesnoz did indeed exist? Or would it convince you that you should have slugged me in the jaw when you had the chance?

  Rob Berry
  
  
  

• Subject: Re: YOU GUYS ARE SICK!

  markc writes:

  ALL YOU GUYS ARE *SICK*!

  Think of the joy that God brings to us. He created us all. He didn't make us to forsake him. Instead of living a life with evil and pornos, why not do something worthwhile?

  Because we atheists believe in evolution, which says the survival of the fittest is the highest moral goal. In order to weed out the weaklings, we have immoral sex and try to spread it around. It makes us happy to see suffering, because by that very fact we know that the race is being strengthened.

  I'm not saying go to church right now, I'm just saying do a good deed, do something that someone will appreciate.

  No. It is against the morals of us atheists to do anything that anyone will appreciate. We only care about ourselves, and putting ourselves out for others is a ridiculous waste of time. We have better things to do, like discovering deadly weapons and thinking of new ways to spread evil.

  Write me back. Tell me why people are this way? WHAT'S WRONG HERE?!?!

  What is wrong with _you_?
  
  
  

• "D.Staveley" writes:

  Have you noticed, any thread, if left long enough, will eventually turn into a discussion about free will?

  Do you think that's because people choose to do so, or are their actions inevitable?

  Scott
  
  
  

• OK, here’s the idea. The Left Behind series is about what happens after the Rapture, right, when all the righteous get taken up? And everyone who sticks around gets to have nifty adventures? Well, check this out. In my series, 10 volumes outlined already, all the righteous get taken up, and in their absence the rest of us enact fair tax laws, pass constitutional amendments guaranteeing the rights of women, gays and lesbians, and craft a sane, non-apocalyptic Middle East policy. Plus we get, like, all their cars and stuff. I call it the Left Alone series.
  
  
  

• Subject: Re: A logical argument for God

  (J Tweedale) writes:

  1. It is possible that there be a being that has maximal greatness.
  2. So there is a possible being that in some world W has maximal greatness.
  3. A being has maximal greatness in a given world only if it has maximal excellence in every world (ie is a necessary being).
  4. A being has maximal excellence in a given world only if it has omniscience, omnipotence, and moral perfection in that world.
  5. Therefore, God exists in the actual world (a being with omniscience, omnipotnece and moral perfection IS God).
  

  The thing I like about this argument is that it works equally well if you replace "being" with "chicken biryani".

  -- Richard
  
  
  

• Subject: Re: Is Heaven full-up...?

  Another thought to consider about "heaven."

  Evangelical Christians tend to believe that a soul comes into being when the sperm enters the egg cell (the haploid DNA doesn't even have to join yet(!)). However, spontaneous abortions are common in pregnancy where the zygote fails to develop in pregnancy and dies.

  Christians also tend to believe that one is not in the danger of hell until they reach the "age of accountability" where they are old enough to understand the concept of "sin." So when children, infants, fetuses, and embryos die, their souls go to heaven.

  A problem with the Christian concept of heaven is that relatively few adults will become saved compared to the rest of the population (according to the rigid exclusiveness of evangelical doctrine). But billions of souls from spontaneous abortion mishaps over the centuries will be saved. Which comes to my point; when a Christian arrives at heaven and asks other angels what they were in life, the vast majority would respond, "Oh, I was an embryo that didn't quite make it."

  - Jason
  
  
  

• Misplaced Deity sought by Christians.....

  So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well-meaning, bible-thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle-aged, professionally-dressed woman rushes forward ... She takes my arm and with trembling voice she asks, "Have you found Jesus?" Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

  Normally I just politely decline the sermon, and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the fourth car to accost me in the last 9 minutes. So by now I'm beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if it's not Mormons, it is the Jehovah's Witnesses. Can a simple Druid get no peace?

  So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic, I reply, "You people lost him, again??"

  The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God and church, paying no heed to the concept that I might not be into being converted.

  I decide to not let her get going so I launch into a speech of my own. "What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really ..." I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can't even find!"

  The poor woman looks stunned. This isn't going so good. Panicked she looks desperately to the car... Surely one of the men can help...Undaunted I press on... "Maybe the problem is with you people. I mean Muslims never seem to loose their deity. Come to think of it neither do Jews or Pagans of any kind."

  I look at the man getting out of the car. He's all smiles. "I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake. What was that about ... deity envy? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn't find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be ... in the fire of my candle, in the air that I breathe, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deity(ies)."

  "Of course, you Christians aren't much fun," I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words. "Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly, He was Jewish. So if you are really so eager to find him," I smile gently to soften the blow, "Check the nearest synagogue. He's probably in there. Also you folks should try and remember that this is America ... where freedom of religion means ALL religions."

  Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop ... No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven't found Jesus, but I haven't lost him either.

  Oh, and if you've found Jesus, please get his face on the evening news A.S.A.P so the Christians can stop looking for him.
  
  
  

• Brian Janko wrote:

  What evidence would you accept that would convince you that Jesus is the Messiah, that Christianity is true?

  (Feel free to provide a list.)

  Sure. Quite simply, somebody must fling a mountain into the sea upon command using only the power of their faith, as detailed in Matthew 17:20, followed by them successfully digesting two ounces of potassium cyanide while handling an angry rattlesnake, as detailed in Matthew 16:18.

  Lemme know when you find somebody who's willing to manifest the abilities that Jesus claims his followers will have.

  ---
  John Hattan
  
  
  

• "Skypher" wrote

  How do atheists explain synchronicity, telepathy, esp, and clairvoyance ?

  (Feel free to provide a list.)

  (Please do not bother telling me that these things don't exist because I know from experience that they do. )

  Why are you asking us, can't you read our minds?

  Denis Loubet
  
  
  

• islamisgrowing2000 wrote:

  From the moment man opens his eyes to this world a great order surrounds him. He needs oxygen to survive. It is interesting that the atmosphere of the planet on which he lives provides more than just the adequate amount of oxygen he needs.

  Also amazing is the length of the human leg. If your legs were two inches shorter than they are now, you would hover in the air and would be unable to walk. If they were two inches longer, they would be buried in in the ground and you would similarly be unable to walk. The fact that our legs are exactly long enough to reach the ground and are no shorter and no longer is proof that God created us.

  See how silly your arguments sound?
  ---
  John Hattan
  
  
  

• Frank Downey wrote:

  I was in the grocery store today, buying the groceries, and I saw a girl of about 8 or 9 years old.

  She was wearing a shirt that said "Property of Jesus Christ."

  I just about tossed my cookies. Ugh. Yeah, I'm going to teach a female child that her body doesn't belong to her. That's a *real* good idea.

  Look on the bright side. Maybe she stole the shirt from Jesus.
  -megafrim
  
  
  

• I was enrolled in Pensacola christian school for kindergarten or 1st grade...we had to pray before the Pledge, pray before lunch, pray after lunch...you get the idea.

  I don't remember much about it--just flashes of class time...but I do remember the nightmares, apparently driven by the teacher-preacher getting after me to "let jeeeezuz into your heart!" I was dreaming almost nightly of Jesus breaking into my room, cutting me open and trying to get into my heart.

  Once Mom figured that out, she yanked me out of that school.

  Not all that amusing at the time...
  
  
  

• "Mary" wrote:

  Oh, jump for joy (NOT!) today I got a house visit from those pesky Jehovah's Witnesses. (Gee, can I come to your house and stand at your door and talk about atheism for awhile?) My question is how do you keep them from coming back? Put a sign on the door that says "No solicitors or religious fanatics"?

  "No Bozos." Then it's *extra* insulting when you look at them, point to the sign, and slam the door in their faces.
  
  
  

• Fundamentalists: believe 2+2 =5 because It Is Written. Somewhere. They have a lot of trouble on their tax returns.

  "Moderate" believers: live their lives on the basis that 2+2=4. but go regularly to church to be told that 2+2 once made 5, or will one day make 5, or in a very real and spiritual sense should make 5.

  "Moderate" atheists: know that 2+2 =4 but think it impolite to say so too loudly as people who think 2+2=5 might be offended.

  "Militant" atheists: "Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?"

  -- Stephen Wells
  
  
  

• "Pastor Frank" wrote:

  That's what life is all about, the conflict between good and evil. What do YOU do in support of either?

  A lot! I ignore people asking for money in the street, I insult people whenever possible, am nasty to my friends and family, plot and scheme to use people to my own advantage - what have /you/ done that's evil lately?

  Mattheq
  
  
  

• Subject: Near Death Experiences

  Keith Abbott wrote:

  o Some claim to have met God--but a few saw Elvis or even Groucho Marx.

  o Some when through the so-called "tunnel of light"--but others boarded ghostly taxicabs, ferries on the River Styx, or even "spangled cows".

  o Children returning from "death" have claimed to meet teachers that were not dead or even Nintendo characters.

  In light of this, it's a little hard to accept NDE's as anything more than you implied: the wanderings of a malfed brain.

  I dunno, maybe it just implies that the afterlife is a *much* more entertaining place than I imagined.
  --
  Matt
  
  
  

• Fundy student of mine claims extra female rib, refuses to hear reason --a true story from last week

  Student: Women have an extra rib.

  Mr. Knievel: No, they have the same number as men.

  Student: Huh uh, it says so in the Bible.

  Mr. Knievel: The Bible says no such thing.

  Student: Uh huh, Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.

  Mr. Knievel: Well, that is in the book of Genesis, but that's not the same thing as saying that women IN GENERAL have one more rib than men IN GENERAL. We can observe this...it's a fact.

  Student: But they do.

  Mr. Knievel: No, we can count the ribs of men and women and see that they are the same--understand?

  Student: Scientists don't know nothing.

  Mr. Knievel: They can COUNT TO TWELVE, CAN'T THEY!?!?!?!?

  Student: Maybe the rib is invisible.

  Mr. Knievel: Sit down and don't talk to me for the rest of the day.

  --
  ********************
  Medieval Knievel
  
  
  

• "David Smith" wrote:

  Jesus Loves You So Much His Love and Forgiveness is always there for you. Just call upon Him, he will here you. There's nothing you have done that he wont forgive you for. Just believe in Him.... He Loves You So Much

  The guy makes a good case -- I say we think seriously about abandoning rational thought and Just Believe In Him.
  ___
  Mike Smith
  
  
  

• I've never really thought much about debates between atheists and theists until recently. I seem to keep getting into a battle of wills with people. Since I have not studied the topic, and can never think of good analogies demonstrating the absurdities of religion, I never get very far. I decided that next time I would be prepared.

  I started by looking up atheism and theism on dictionary.com when I got into an argument about whether atheism was a religion. I was very amused to find that theism can also mean "The morbid condition resulting from the excessive use of tea."

  As an atheist, is there a limit to the amount of tea I can drink before I become a theist? I quite like tea but I wouldn't want to let the side down.

  Infideloid
  
  
  

• A TV producer mate of mine did a prog on UFOs a few years ago. Towards the end of it, they announced that one had been sighted over a particular area of Manchester - "phone in if you can confirm it". Needless to say several hundred people did, and of course the program had made it up.

  Therion Ware
  
  
  

• Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge

  Borges attributes in his essay The Analytical Language of John Wilkins (from 'Other Inquisitions: 1937-1952') the following taxonomy to an ancient Chinese encyclopedia, the Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge:

  "On those remote pages it is written that animals are divided into:

  a. those that belong to the Emperor
  b. embalmed ones
  c. those that are trained
  d. suckling pigs
  e. mermaids
  f. fabulous ones
  g. stray dogs
  h. those that are included in this classification
  i. those that tremble as if they were mad
  j. innumerable ones
  k. those drawn with a very fine camel's hair brush
  l. others
  m. those that have just broken a flower vase
  n. those that resemble flies from a distance"
  

  Cheers,
  EsaR
  
  
  

• I used to work with some Somalian Muslims. One of them had a trunk-full of books, all pertaining to Muhammad and Islamic religious tomes. That's all he ever read or needed to know. He carried them around with him everywhere he went. And he had so many of them, that he had to carry them in a trash bag.

  He told me that I was an "uneducated man" because I had no god. He, on the other hand was an educated man, "look how much I read!"

  When I mentioned that I had problems with the Koran because it was based on the Pentateuch which did not account for the dinosaurs, he doubled over laughing in hysterical disbelief. Never in his wildest dreams, did he ever expect to meet someone who actually believed in dinosaurs!

  He pointed me out to the next person to walk into the room, (an American) "He believes dinosaurs!" while still laughing uncontrollably. His laughter instantly turned to shock and alarm when he realized that America was full of people who are just as dangerously insane as I am.

  Aron-Ra
  
  
  

• Honus wrote:

  James Kidder wrote:

  After having read Phillip Johnson's 1997 book Defeating Darwinism by Opening Minds and jumping up and down and screaming for about an hour, I

  Only an hour? I didn't calm down for about a week.

  I thought "by ... jumping up and down and screaming for about an hour" was a subtitle for Johnson's book. After all, that's not far removed from the actual technique he uses.
  --
  Mark Isaak
  
  
  

• "Mike Haubrich" was seen to type in talk.atheism:

  I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said

  "HWJD? (How would Jesus drive?)"

  I think that the Lord and Master of the universe would at least rate a limousine!

  Curiously a pogo-stick was the first thing that came to my mind.
  --
  >> PMD
  --
  The bloke who invented Christmas should be crucified.
  
  
  

• "I wish to propose for the reader's favourable consideration a doctrine which may, I fear, appear wildly paradoxical and subversive. The doctrine in question is this: that it is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatever for supposing it true. I must of course admit that if such an opinion became common it would completely transform our social life and our political system; since both are at present faultless, this must weigh against it."

  Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical Essays_
  
  
  

• Subject: Re: God will not be mocked!

  I have received a few classic retorts to my posting and it's interesting to see the diversity in the crowds. But again I say "GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED!"

  I've noticed that a large number of those who feel a need to "preach" are unable to tell the difference between someone mocking them personally and mocking god.

  There is only one God.

  If that many.
  
  
  

• Subject: Taking them at their word

  Here's a new thought:

  Since insurance companies often have disclaimers that they won't cover damages due to "acts of God", then shouldn't the churches get the bill, as they are "god's representatives on earth"?

  Those who claim that floods/earthquakes/AIDS/etc. are god's judgement will probably never make such claims again after receiving the first bill.
  
  
  

• Subject: Re: why is hell unpopular?

  (Vijay) wrote:

  subject says it all. why should one strive to avoid hell? I mean, environmental conditions like climate, water, light etc are for the physical body, right? why would soul(tm) have to bother about all that? I would like to see what has been said on this issue before.

  At a slight tangent, there is a rather amusing "biblical" proof to be found in various textbooks and on various Unix machines that heaven is hotter than hell (and therefore presumably less comfortable). I can't remember it exactly but it is based on:

  a) deducing that hell must be at or below the temperature at which sulphur (brimstone) boils - about 450K I believe;

  b) the description in Revelation about the quantity of light that shines in heaven (seven sun's worth), which by Kelvin's law and the earth's surface temperature gives a rather higher number than 450K (depending on exactly how you take the words).

  Good news for those of you who wanted a party there. Maybe someone else can post the exact details.

  Nicholas.
  
  
  

• Subject: Re: Another paradox

  The only knowlege one can be sure of is knowlege of self.

  Are you sure about that?

  --
  S. Joel Katz
  
  
  

• Subject: Magicians (sleight-of-hand artists)

  The following question is posed only to skeptics of religious claims. A few times each year, I perform close-up magic. It's all sleight-of-hand, and the illusions I create are mindreading effects, vanishes, and impossible coincidences. All with ordinary, everyday objects.

  Within the magic community, it's considered wise to add "a sense of mystery" to what we do. So we are not just "goin' through the motions" but evoking a sense of wonder. We do this by including "patter" or a "plot"-- both describe largely needless talk to keep the audience engaged.

  Here's a question I haven't thought through fully. How do I maintain a sense of mystery and wonder without legitimizing superstition?

  (The answer I've always relied on is the following.

  When I perform, it's implicit that it's all trickery. By contrast, when a local Lutheran minister performs and makes an irrational claim about faith-healing or an imaginary energy force that can't be detected via a compass, laser, telescope, microscope, PET or MRI scanner, she _is_ implying that she isn't engaging in trickery.)

  When I was about 16, we had the local Lutheran pastor over for dinner. He believed in faith healing (he saw, wit' his own eyes, "the braces just pop off the child!") and ESP trickery.

  So I performed two card magic feats that are the closest thing to an appearance of genuine mindreading insofar as the created illusion. A reminder to nonmagicians: there are people who've dedicated their entire lives, for decades, to creating and polishing such effects. It shouldn't be any surprise that there are some effects that are utterly convincing and look like "real magic."

  I gently explained to him that there are psychic frauds and phonys. And that the world's best known psychic is a former stage magician.

  I then proceeded to do two effects that are apparently completely lacking in trickery. One doesn't always work, but the payoff is absolutely enormous. It worked. The other was a demonstration of coincidence that--prima facie-- is simply impossible. Both effects are lacking in counting, dealing, and needless finger-flinging.

  The result? My intent was to recreate two effects as "evidence" that such things are really tricks. Of course, I wouldn't tell him what the secrets are, given what professionalism dictates.

  He announced: "You have ESP!"

  What a dullard. From that point forward I had less and less to do with the church.

  Chris Roth
  
  
  

• Subject: Animals I refuse to eat

  (Simon Wagstaff) writes:

  For ethical reasons, I refuse to eat the following animals:

  ...megachoppage...

  For purely moral and ethical reasons, I eat ONLY the flesh of other dead animals.

  Look at it this way -- at least an animal has a sporting chance to get away. Plants are not only nonsentient, but literally rooted to the ground!

  __Samuel__
  
  
  

• Subject: Biblical survival guide

  The following is a list of people murdered by God directly or through His command.

  The entire population of the earth except for eight survivors (Genesis 7:23). Every inhabitant of Sodom and Gomorrah except for one family (Genesis 19:24). Every first born of Egypt (Exodus 12:29). All the hosts of the Pharaoh, including the captains of 600 chariots (Exodus 14:27,28). Amalek and his people (Exodus 17:11,16). 3,000 Israelites (Exodus 32:27). 250 Levite princes who had challenged the leadership of Moses (Numbers 16:1-40). 14,700 Jews in a plague who had rebelled against Moses following the killing of the princes (Numbers 16:41-49). All the subjects of Og (Numbers 21:34, 35). 24,000 Israelites who lived with Moabite women (Numbers 25:4, 9). All the males, kings, and non-virgin females of the Midianites. (Numbers 31:7, 8). The Ammonites (Deuteronomy 2:19-21). The Horims (Deuteronomy 2:22). All the citizens of Jericho, except for a prostitute and her family (Joshua 6). 12,000 citizens of Ai. Joshua hung the king on a tree. (Joshua 8:1-30). All the people of Makkedah (Joshua 10:28). All the people of Libnah (Joshua 10:29, 30). All the people of Gezer (Joshua 10:33). All the people of Lachish (Joshua 10:32). All the people of Eglon (Joshua 10:34, 35). All the people of Hebron (Joshua 10:36, 37). All the inhabitants of Òthe country of the hills, and of the south, and the vale, and of the springs and all their kingsÓ (Joshua 10:40). All 31 kings and inhabitants of their countries, and south country, and the land of Goshen, and the valley, and the plain, and the mountain of Israel, and the valley of the same from Mt. Halak to Mt. Hermon (Joshua 11:12, 16, 17, 12:24). 10,000 Moabites (Judges 3:29). 10,000 Perizzites and Canaanites (Judges 1:4). 600 Phillistines (Judges 3:31). All of Sisera (Judges 4:16). 120,000 Midianites (Judges 8:10). 25,100 Benjaminites (Judges 20:35). 50,070 people of Bethshemesh (I Samuel 6:19). All the Amalekites (I Samuel 15:3, 7). The armies and five kings of the Amorites (Amos 3:2). The Moabites and 22,000 Syrians (II Samuel 8:2, 5, 6, 14). 40,000 Syrian horsemen (II Samuel 10:18). 100,000 Syrian footmen, followed by 27,000 who are all crushed by a wall (I Kings 20:28, 29, 30). 42 children eaten by a bear (II Kings 2:23, 24). 185,000 Assyrians killed by an angel (II Kings 19:35). 10,000 Edomites, followed by 10,000 more whose killers Òbrought them to the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they were broken in pieces.Ó (II Chronicles 28). 120,000 Judeans (II Chronicles 28). And 75,000 Persians (Esther 9:16).

  The lesson learned from this list is...

  You are quite safe as long as you are a virgin female who avoids towns with funny names and doesn't stir up bears.
  
  
  

• I was reading an old but fav book of mine - The People's Almanac #2 by Davis Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace published in 1978. In chapter 19 is a section called 'Uncensored Highlights in the history of sex'. Below are a few selected entries. There are too many to list them all.

  [some excerpts]

  14AD Tiberius became the emperor of Rome. He forbade the execution of virgins so that when such women were condemned to death, they would have to suffer the extra humiliation of being publicly deflowered by the executioner before the sentence was carried out.

  c. 875 The Scottish king Ewan III established the rights of "the first Night". According to a chronicle: "Another law he made, that wives of common men shall be free to the nobles; and the Lord of the grounds shall have the maidenheads of all virgins dwelling in the same." This popular sport may have continued up to the beginning of the Middle Ages.

  1072 Pietro Damiani, an Italian reformer, died. Totally obsessed by the idea that virginity should be preserved, he spent his whole life trying to convince girls to abstain from sex. He also spent much time attempting to stamp out prostitution by preaching inside brothels. His zeal was undoubtedly fired by the fact that he was the son of a prostitute.

  1191 At the start of his first crusade against the infidels, King Richard the Lion-hearted arrived at Marseilles and was horrified to discover that the advance party of trusty knights had spent all the campaign funds on prostitutes.

  1300s The Lothardi sect flourished in Russia. Their belief was that while above ground, men should lead moral lives-but once they were at least 27 in. below ground, everything changed. Hence, all their meetings were held in subterranean caves and were riotous orgies.

  1415 Pope John XXIII-the original Pope John XXIII-was deposed for "notorious incest, adultery, defilement, homicide, and atheism." Earlier, while still a chamberlain, he quiet openly kept his brother's wife as a mistress. In an effort to squash the scandal, his superiors promoted him to cardinal and sent him to Bologna, where "two hundred maids, matrons, and widows, including a few nuns fell victim to his lust."

  1484 Pope Innocent VIII was elected. He was nicknamed "the Honest" because he the first pope to acknowledge his illegitimate children publicly.

  1529 During Cardinal Wolsey's trial for treason, he was accused of giving Henry VIII syphilis by persistently whispering in the King's ear.

  1542 Andrew Boorde, in his A Dyetary of Helth...the boke for a good husbande to lerne, solemnly warned that eating lettuce killed sexual desire: "Lettyse doth extynct veneryous actes." He offered an antidote, saying that figs "stere a man to veneryous actes, for they doth urge and increase the seed of generacyon." Boorde latter became Bishop for Chichester, where, probably due to eating too many figs, he was publicly defrocked for keeping prostitutes in his chambers.

  1546 Martin Luther died. According to his Table Talk, "women ought to stay at home; the way they were created indicates this, for they have broad hips and a wide fundament to sit upon to keep house and bear and raise children."

  1552 Sir Walter Raleigh was born. Long after, while he was having dinner with his son-also named Walter-and a few friends, the younger Walter drunkenly revealed that he had that morning visited a whore, who had kicked him out, saying, "Your father lay with me but an hour ago." Sir Walter promptly boxed his son's ears.

  1565 Mass scale erotic convulsions swept the Convent of Nazareth in Cologne. According to the German doctor De Weier , who investigated the phenomenon, the nuns would throw themselves on their backs, shut their eyes, raise their abdomens erotically, and thrust forward their pudenda. Other such cases were documented by De Weier in his book De Praestigiis Daemonum.

  1585 St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi endured one of history's first documented masochistic obsessions. She would run madly about the convent grounds, rolling around on thorns and burrs, whip herself savagely, and beg the other nuns to bind her tightly to posts and hurl globules of hot wax at her. She was entrusted with the guidance of her convent's novices and was once found forcing one of her charges to thrash her. St. Mary was canonized in 1671.

  1611 Two unmarried women who were discovered to be pregnant on arrival in Virginia were immediately returned in an attempt to stamp out the risk of promiscuity in the colony.

  1624 Richard Cornish became the first man to be convicted of a homosexual offense in America. Despite extremely flimsy evidence, he was hanged for forcing a young man into unnatural sexual relations. Two men were latter pilloried and had their ears sliced off for protesting that Cornish "was put to death through a scurvie boys meanes & no other came against him."

  1640 Philippe, Duke of Orleans, was born. He was raised as a girl so that he would not be a rival to his brother, the future Louis XIV. He played the part well, leading his soldiers into battle while wearing high heels, a long black perfumed wig, and elaborate jewelry-but no hat, because he did not want to spoil his hairdo. His wife commented, "He was more afraid of the sun, or the black smoke of gun powder, than he was of musket bullets."

  1653 An 89-year-old man was executed in England for adultery.

  1655 L'Ecole des Femmes was published-an anonymously penned guide, for women only, to the joys of sex, including practical tips on the methods of contraception and how to choose a proper merkin (pubic wig).

  1655? The Frankish Diet, a protestant body, legalized bigamy as a means of replenishing the population, badly decimated by the recent Thirty Years' War.

  1656 Found guilty of "lewd and unseemly behavior," Captain Kemble of Boston was placed in the public stocks for two hours. His crime: kissing his wife in public on the Sabbath after a three years' sojourn at sea.

  1677 While through a microscope at a specimen of his semen, Anton van Leeuwenhoek, a Dutch microscopist discovered sperm. They were "little animalcules that moved forward with a snaillike motion of the tail." Leeuwenhoek and his codiscoverer Stephen Hamm reported. Leeuwenhoek noted: "What I here describe was not obtained by any sinful contrivance...but the observations were made upon the excess with which Nature provided me in my conjugal relations." Nevertheless, few scientists recognized the connection between the wiggling creatures and conception. Many assumed them to be parasites. Others theorized that miniature likeness of the organisms in question were concealed in the tip of the spermatozoa and that they slowly expanded upon entering the female. One biologist claimed he observed perfectly formed roosters in the seed of roosters and tiny horses in the semen of that animal.

  1680 A small street in New York, just beyond Wall Street, earned the named of Maiden Lane because it was the street where so many maidens lost their maidenheads.

  1698 Homosexuality was relatively commonplace throughout England. In a letter to a friend, Elizabeth, Duchess of Orleans wrote that "Nothing is more ordinary in England than this unnatural vice."

  1702 A transvestite, Lord Cornbury, became Governor of New York and New Jersey. He performed most of his official duties in women's clothes. He was recalled in 1708 after landing in jail for debt.

  1714 The Roman Catholic Church banned the confessional requirement that men name their partners in fornication when it was discovered that priests were making carnal use of the information.

  1745Twenty-four-year-old Madame de Pompadour was officially installed at Versailles as mistress to Louis XV of France. As she grew older, she procured young girls for the king's pleasure. In these affairs, the king pretended to be a Polish nobleman. Only one girl discovered the true identity of her occasional "Polish" bed partner, and she was immediately incarcerated in a lunatic asylum. 1760s For Empress Catherine the Great, the handsome officers of the Imperial Guard constituted a ready-made stud stable, from which she would select temporary lovers as the mood took her. After eyeing a prospect, however, she would first have him examined by physicians, then put through a preliminary test, administered by one of her two confidantes, Countess Bruce and Mme. Protassov. If he passed, he would then be named an imperial aide-de-camp and assigned to service in the empress's bed. Upon occasion Catherine might choose to observe his performance firsthand before giving him the nod.

  1775 Lords Moray and Aboyne quit London's Wig Club, taking with them that which gave the club its' name-a wig reputedly made entirely of pubic hair of the mistresses of King Charles II. All would-be members were required to produce a lock of their own mistresses' pubic hair to be woven into the original wig.

  1798 The Bishop of Durham warned Britain's House of Lords that France had given up on the idea of conquering England militarily and was instead attempting to destroy the moral underpinnings of English society by smuggling in hordes of ballet dancers.

  1827 Condoms made of tortoiseshell and leather were in use in the orient.

  1834 "A Lecture to Young Men on Chastity, Intended Also for the Serious Consideration of Parents and Guardians" was written by Sylvester Graham (1794-1851), best remembered for inventing the graham cracker. Probably the most hilarious condemnation of sex ever published, it gave bountiful advice and declared that excessive sexual desire heightened by "high seasoned food, rich dishes, the free use of flesh" led to insanity. Graham also warned that married couples overdoing it sexually would be struck down with "Languor, lassitude, muscular relaxation, general disability and heaviness, depression of spirits, loss of appetite, indigestion, faintness and sinking at the pit of the stomach, increased susceptibilities of the skin and lungs to all atmospheric changes, feebleness of circulation, chilliness, headache, melancholy, hypochondria, hysterics, feebleness of all senses, impaired vision, loss of sight, weakness of the lungs, nervous cough, pulmonary consumption, disorders of the liver and kidneys, urinary difficulties, disorders of genital organs, spinal diseases, weakness of the brain, loss of memory, epilepsy, insanity, apoplexy, abortions, premature births, and extreme feebleness, morbid predispositions, and an early death of offspring." If that dire warning wasn't sufficient, Graham latter announced that every ejaculation lowered a male's life expectancy.

  1847 A British physician named Simpson angered churchmen when he administered the newly discovered chloroform to a woman in childbirth. The church claimed that to shield a woman from the agony of delivery was a blatant violation of the Bible's commandment that women should bring forth their children in sorrow.

  1866 Parliament approved the Contagious Diseases Act, which mandated that prostitutes working near military encampments or naval bases receive periodic medical examinations and, if necessary, treatment for venereal infections.

  1872 A London confectioner named Samuel Parkinson was jailed for selling sweets emblazoned with " the figures of men and women in the most disgusting positions."

  1895 Striptease shows begun in Paris. The first, titled Le Coucher d'Yyvette, shows a girl gradually taking off all her clothes as she vainly searched for a flea.

  1896 The University of Philadelphia medical magazine described the case of a 19-year-old woman who had nine breasts, of which seven produced milk.

  1922 In a Sheffield, England, courtroom, accused bigamist Theresa Vaughn admitted under oath that in the past five years she had acquired 61 husbands in 50 cities throughout England, Germany, and South Africa, averaging a marriage a month.

  1958 The Mississippi state legislature categorized voyeurism as an exclusively male crime, thereby exempting women from prosecution as Peeping Toms. A Peeping Tom , the lawmakers decreed, was "any male person who enters upon real property...and thereafter pries or peeps through a window...for lewd, licentious and indecent purpose of spying upon the occupants thereof.

  1973 During a peace march on the White House, Robert A. Martin, a 28- year-old Quaker pacifist, was arrested. After refusing to pay a $10 bond, he was sent to the District of Columbia jail. At the end of his first week, he was moved to a wing where prisoners with records for violence were kept. In two days he was raped 50 times.

  1977 A French boss known only as "Mr. D." unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with one of his employees, identified as "Robert C". The employee was immediately fired, but a local arbitration board in Laon, north of Paris, held that the employee was was owed $800 because he hadn't been given proper notice and $500 in severance pay. However, Mr D. took the case to an appeals court which reversed the decision and ruled that Robert C, was justly fired and should collect nothing because he "was fooling around on company time". The favorable ruling for the French boss was in part due to the fact that when Mr D. surprised the amorous couple he was not alone, but was accompanied by the mayor of Laon.

  1977 On Dec 13 the New Jersey Supreme Court, in a 5-2 vote, overturned a state law that forbid sexual intercourse between any man and an unmarried woman. According to the judges, the law violated "the zone of privacy protecting individuals from an unwarranted governmental intrusion into matters of intimate personal and family concern." Those who wanted to keep the law contended that the statute was need as a protection against venereal disease, but the court rejected that argument.

  [ends excerpts]