IRC quotes

Bash.org, a collection of quotes from IRC (Internet Relay Chat), is a huge repository of incredibly puerile humor. You get the impression that it's produced by an endless number of horny, nerdy teens. But there's just so much of it that occasionally, some of it also manages to be really funny. Here are some choice quotes:

• <Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
  <honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P
  

• (morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?
  (alec_eso): 1, morganj
  (morganj): bastard.
  

• <NES> lol
  <NES> I download something from Napster
  <NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
  <NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
  <NES> "getting my song back fucker"
  

• <Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
  <V-girl> i belong with the other 13%
  

• <Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
  <Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
  <RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
  <Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
  <RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao
  

• <Fulgore> whats the complement to a 43 degree angle?
  <sparks> My you're looking "acute" today
  <Fulgore> fuck you
  

• <Sonium> someone speak python here?
  <lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
  <lucky> SSSSS
  <Sonium> the programming language
  

• <blazemore> LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
  <FlipTopBx> is it modded?
  

• <deltabravo> ughh, this beer is terrible.
  <deltabravo> it's a bad sign when the beer company isn't running any sweepstakes, yet all the lids say 'SORRY' underneath them :<
  

• <evildemi> what's your yearbook quote gonna say?
  <helveti> "TRAPPED IN A YEARBOOK FACTORY PLEASE SEND HELP"
  

• <Toller> hey jaimer
  <jaimer> hey
  <Toller> i loves you sweet ass, baby
  <jaimer> excuse me?
  <Toller> we gonna get together an fuck tonight
  <Toller> right?
  <jaimer> You stupid shit
  <Toller> ?
  <Toller> What?
  <jaimer> This is toby johnson, right
  <Toller> you know it is, duh.
  <jaimer> I'm doing tech support on Jamie's computer
  <jaimer> I'm her father, you little shit
  <Toller> hah!
  <Toller> what's
  <Toller> your joking right/
  <jaimer> I am. I know where you live. I'm coming over to your house now. Don't try to run, I'll find you.
  <Toller> Jamie, it's not funny
  <Toller> Jaime?
  <psmylie> You're screwed, dude. Her dad's psycho
  <Toller> fuck
  <Toller> Fuck!
  <psmylie> best run, boy
  *** Toller has quit IRC (Quit: )
  <psmylie> You're an evil bitch, Jamie.
  <jaimer> lol
  <psmylie> brilliant... but evil
  <jaimer> he's an asshole anyways
  

• <django23> I have a stupid question: what does "sendmail" do?
  <Epesh> django: you're right, that is pretty stupid
  

• <kritical> matts: bikes go faster than cars...a bike at 60 mph is a lot faster than a car at 60 mph
  <matts> kritical: um no...
  <kritical> matts: um yes
  <kritical> my sisters sport car at 60 mph goes faster than my dads explorer at 60 mph
  <kritical> a bike at 60 mph will blow by a car at 60 mph
  

• <madthink> what does putting sugar in someones gas tank do
  <maff> I heard when you start the engine cinnamon rolls come out
  <maff> with frosting and everything
  <madthink> i need to get revenge in the worst way
  <maff> cinnamon rolls arent really revenge
  

• (JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
  (Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure :)
  (JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge ;-)
  (Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
  (JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
  (Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20 ;)
  (JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
  (Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
  (JHawk111420) both :-D
  (Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops traffic
  (JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
  (Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
  (Lady Renegade) hello?
  (Lady Renegade) hello?
  (Lady Renegade) hello ....
  

• <frank> can you help me install GTA3?
  <knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
  frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
  <knightmare> ...
  

• serluny: how long did it took u to learn c?
  ReDPriest:4.5 minutes
  serluny:how did u do that?
  ReDPriest:i downloaded it into my brain..i got a program to do that
  serluny:what program
  ReDPriest:download shit into your brain v3.1
  serluny:how do i download it?
  ReDPriest: go to www.downloadable-shit-for-your-brain.com
  serluny:i cant download it something is wrong
  

• <asr> 'fo sheezy.
  <Sabboth> what the fuck does that mean in english? you should understand that having a day job precludes me from 'keeping it real' and as such, I lack a certain familiarity with the language of the 'streets' as it were.
  

• <Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
  <Lucent> who?
  <Thumb> center for disease control
  <Lucent> i said WHO
  <Thumb> what? i'm asking you
  <Lucent> World Health Organization
  

• t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
  BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
  BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
  BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
  BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
  BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
  BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
  BlackAdder> IN FACT
  BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
  BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
  BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
  *** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
  *** BlackAdder has been kicked by t0rbad ( )
  t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
  CRCError> right
  heartless> Right.
  r3v> right
  

• <kyourek> There was a 23% drop in temperature.
  <nappyjallapy> That's almost 25%!
  <kyourek> ... That was one of the most worthless comments I've ever heard.
  

• * Quits: crag-- (crag@202.154.72.136) (Dead girls dont say no)
  * Quits: KiM (KiM@134.115.157.196) (going for a walk :p)
  <@ShowDowN> that is sick
  <@ShowDowN> we should ban him next time he comes in
  <@nekro> yeah, who the hell goes for walks
  

• <Radz> Should I replay FF7?
  <spiderbait> Nobody's stopping you.
  <Radz> That's like another 90 hours I'd be away from you guys though. :(
  <payne> Do it.
  <spiderbait> Do it.
  <xCell> Do it.
  

• AngryGackt: hey
  Kagato: yo
  AngryGackt: did you hear about lindze's dad?
  Kagato: ..nikki....
  Kagato: you just like..
  Kagato: scared me... so bad...
  Kagato: cuz when I first read that it looked like "did you hear that Lindze's dead?"
  AngryGackt: OH
  Kagato: I swear my heart jumped into my throat.
  AngryGackt: NO
  AngryGackt: gahhhh
  Kagato: I was chewing on my heart and freaking out until I reread it.
  AngryGackt: jeeeeessus
  Kagato: ........>_<
  AngryGackt: *flails*
  Kagato: what happened to her dad? ::relaxes::
  AngryGackt: He's dead.
  Kagato: ........
  

• <YuFFie> SO U HACKING ME THEN HUH
  <YuFFie> WElL I GOT NEWS FOR U MISTER I GOT MORE FIREWALL POWERS NOW SO IM SECURE AND IM USING WINDOWS 98 SO IM REALLY SECURE FROM HACKERS LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTA JUST GIVE UP CUZ U GOT NO HOPE MISTER.
  * YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) Quit (Quit: Owned.)
  * YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #
  <YuFFie> HELP MY MOUSE IS MOVING BY IT SELF
  

• <+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
  <+Christin1> how do i do that
  

• docsigma2000: jesus christ man
  docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
  c8info: Why?
  docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
  docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
  docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
  c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
  docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
  docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
  docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
  c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
  docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
  docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
  c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
  ** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)
  

• <skrike> I think the people above me are having sex
  <skrike> either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.
  

• <@deez> yeah there's like 6 of us... with the same sense of humor in here
  <Skail> who's using it now?
  

• <Corndog24> the corndog got dumped tonight
  <The_Freak> Don't worry Corn, you're still cousins, right?
  

• <Legendre> I got two spams today - one for weight loss, and one for penile enlargement. I replied to both, with cc: and asked if they could work something out to transfer my extra weight to my johnson.
  

• <jamz> So I sent out an email saying that due to a death in the family I was going to be out for the next two days.
  <jamz> one person emailed me back: Please accept my sincere apologies.
  <jamz> I emailed her back: What, did you kill her?
  

• <Lothodrus> time for the sleeping
  <Lothodrus> night
  *** Lothodrus has left #rpgfan
  <Flik> I ought to join him
  <Flik> Well...not literally join him...but join him in thought
  <Flik> Not that I would be thinking about sleeping with him, though...
  <Flik> ...
  * Flik sobs quietly
  

• <tHiSiSbOb> I just lost a friend... He got into a car accident... Young people can die too. I just played starcraft with him the other day....
  <black_mage_s> Well, there is always the single player campaign.
  

• <Gaq> There is a fly on my screen. The first one of the year.
  <Gaq> I'm furiously trying to swat it with my mouse pointer, but to no avail.
  <Jedi> try clicking
  

• <na-dragon> Who would win in a fight? A Z-Fighter from dragon ball z, or a jedi master?
  <jonblake> Well, thats a good question, there are alot of things that need to be factored in
  <jonblake> Z fighters can fly, shoot big balls of energy, go really fast, and teleport etc
  <na-dragon> Yes but a jedi master can see all of that happen before he does it, and he has a light saber..
  <jonblake> I guess this is one of those things in life we will never really know
  <Vyse> GOD DAMNIT, Has either one of you ever even SEEN what a pussy looks like?
  

• TwilightKnight: all i do is wait for Desert crisis 1.5 and play counter-strike all day
  Dr SpaZZo: Heh.
  Dr SpaZZo: Which, by definition, means I have more of a life than you
  Dr SpaZZo: Pity
  TwilightKnight: well i was making out with a girl today
  Dr SpaZZo: Liar
  Dr SpaZZo: Theres no such thing as a "girl"
  TwilightKnight: yes it is true!
  TwilightKnight: they arent the tales and ledgends we thought them to be
  TwilightKnight: they exist and live on the outside!
  TwilightKnight: In the daylight!
  Dr SpaZZo: Outside? Daylight? Now you're just making words up.
  

• <bill``> I'm taking the AP calc test tomorrow--does anyone have any last minute tips?
  <MSINISTER> dont put metal in a microwave!
  <MSINISTER> good luck!
  

• <Lloyddy> Can anyone tell me what sex feels like? My friend wants to know
  

• <^DSKY^[atWork]> could some like ultra-1337 person like hack the computer the universe runs on and change the program so that I have a girlfriend?
  <tef-cruise> dsky: i tried and it segfaulted.
  <tef-cruise> i accidentally deleted the country of bunitsland
  <tef-cruise> but i dont think anyone will notice
  

• <SRG> Metallica sold out in 45 mins :/
  <NotOneOfUs> Yeah I know.
  <NotOneOfUs> Oh wait
  <NotOneOfUs> You mean, like, a concert?
  <SRG> yes
  

• <Ruth> hmmm first thing to do when one gets home is .... check spam for emails
  

• <CommanderStab> I once knew a guy who impersonated a teenage girl on the Internet
  <CommanderStab> He tricked married men into believing he was a 14 year old Swedish girl and then said that "she'd like to get a call from him but Dad woudl get suspicious if he heard the phone ring".
  <CommanderStab> So they'd give him their phone number and he'd use it to trace their addresses down and find out information about them.
  <CommanderStab> Then he'd blackmail them into giving him their bank account details.
  <heythere> ... did he get caught? ^^"
  <CommanderStab> Apparantely the cops came around a couple of times investigating him. He always told the cops that he had got the information pretending to be a 14 year old girl that the men had wanted to get in contact with.
  <CommanderStab> Apparantely nobody ever pressed further charges =D
  <heythere> damn ... i gotta try that!
  

• <DemonEater> wtf
  <DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship
  <DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti--- ooh bouncy
  

• Mario has joined #teens
  <Mario> Hi r there ne hot gurls in here
  <Coolguy3432> Sorry Mario, but the Princess is in another chatroom
  

• <TheDarkOfKnight> When I was a seinor in high school we had to make a video and had to have blood packs. The best blood packs are made from condoms.
  <TheDarkOfKnight> We had the following on the checkout counter: 1 Box of Trojan Magnum condoms, 2 Bottles of Corn oil, 4 Bottles of red food color, 2 Super 8 video cassettes and 1 Roll of duct tape.
  <TheDarkOfKnight> I have never before gotten weirder looks.
  

• <Schismo5000>Did you know Hitler couldn't have kids?
  <PeterH>...
  <Schismo5000>Yea, he was anti-semenic
  <PeterH>Dude, thats anti semeTic, and it means he hated jews
  <Schismo5000>Oh
  <Schismo5000>>_<
  <PeterH>o_O
  

• <FreshBrew> i dont know why i floss before i go to the dentist
  <FreshBrew> i never ever do it
  <FreshBrew> its like going to the doctor and pretending not to be sick so he doesnt yell at you
  

• <@Beramode> nall?
  <+Nall> Huh?
  <@Beramode> are you outside my apartment?
  <@Beramode> it sounds like someone's raping a duck out there, but i don't wanna look, so i had to ask.
  <+Nall> ...Are you room 7F?
  <@Beramode> maybe..
  <@Beramode> are you raping a duck?
  <+Nall> maybe..
  

• <broox> so my speakers haven't beeen working for a while
  <broox> they were plugged into the mic port
  <npl> umm, i think they are color-coded
  <broox> haha, i know
  <broox> i usually just reach back there and guess which hole it is
  * npl has set the topic on channel #cell6 to <broox> i usually just reach back there and guess which hole it is
  

• <@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
  <@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
  <@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
  <@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...
  

• <houhou> i havnt had sex in a month now :(
  <StopNdroP> I grew a nut tree in my backyard and now it's a prize winning plant
  <Yuri> wow your nuts must be huge
  <Quake> please tell me youre talkin about stopndrop
  

• <NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor :(
  <rycool> ...
  <NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
  <NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.
  

• <@David> Yay I get laid today! Been a month.... needing it by now
  <@Sony> ...........
  <@Sony> TMI TMI TMI
  <@David> Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing
  <Malpine> Thanks for the info
  <@David> eh?
  <@David> damn i meant PAID
  <@David> I get PAID today
  <@David> dammit
  

• * ^haksor^ has joined #pipari
  <^haksor^> anyone have a serial for Soldier of Fortune 2???
  <tiltti> Y34H-R1GH-TYOU-N3RD-4SS
  <^haksor^> thanks
  ...
  <^haksor^> not enough letters in that???
  <tiltti> try adding -H0L3 to the end of it
  <^haksor^> ok
  

• <[BAC]Draxon|TWL> "The animals will hear!" bellowed the ear licking penguin as the awesomely endowed midget sucked her oozing charlies and plugged his purple middle leg into her festering cunt.
  <[BAC]Draxon|TWL> oops
  <[BAC]Draxon|TWL> wrong window
  <d|syztem> what the FUCK
  

• <Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.
  

• <BronsonTheBeef> So we were supposed to have a guest speaker in one of my classes
  <BronsonTheBeef> to talk about diversity and racism and shit today
  <BronsonTheBeef> prof's never met him..
  <BronsonTheBeef> in walks this super black gangsta ghetto dude
  <BronsonTheBeef> he's got a 'pimp' chain around his neck, wearing FUBU everything
  <BronsonTheBeef> has a gold watch and a ring on each finger, smells like pot and beer
  <BronsonTheBeef> he even had a do-rag on and a cigarrette tucked behind his ear
  <BronsonTheBeef> walks in in true rapper style flashing his crazy ghetto signs at us
  <BronsonTheBeef> the prof's like...'are you... jeff?'
  <BronsonTheBeef> he goes 'true dat, ho' and says 'you all my niggaz!' and he turns in a circle
  <BronsonTheBeef> waving his arms in the air singing about 'niggaz in 'da house' or some shit
  <BronsonTheBeef> so she tells him to give his speech on diversity and shit
  <BronsonTheBeef> and he starts talkin about 'the man' and how 'white folk be dissin'
  <BronsonTheBeef> then like a minute later this other black dude runs in dressed in a suit
  <BronsonTheBeef> and says 'sorry I'm late'
  <BronsonTheBeef> it turns out the first black dude was just baked. he doesn't even go to college
  <BronsonTheBeef> he just wanted to buy weed in the dorms
  

Weak come-backs

• <zamros> moose i am going to kick you in the groin until the only thing you have there is a bloodied mass of pulp
  <Mooseka> HAHA, YOU'RE TOO LATE
  

• <PinkShirt> jt has a handicapped plate, because his penis is so small.
  <PinkShirt> it's classed as a "severe disability"
  <jtstocker> ha ya
  <jtstocker> HEY! i dont have a fucking car
  <jtstocker> asshole