Jokes

• Emergency Cake
  

  A baker is just getting ready lock his front door when a man rushes up. "I need to have a cake made right now!" he exclaims.

  "I'm sorry," replies the baker. "But I was just closing up. I've dismissed my staff; I've shut down my machines; I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

  "I can't wait until tomorrow!" insists the man. "It's absolutely imperative that this cake be made right now!"

  The baker always liked to think of himself as a nice guy, so he says, "All right, I'll see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his appliances back on. He then approaches the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what is it you need?"

  The man whips out a sketch from his pocket. It's a very well drawn depiction of a cake. "It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, one foot long, and six inches tall. White frosting, blue icing, and a red cursive "S" in the middle. Just like this."

  Somewhat startled, the baker ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. It will be ready in about half an hour."

  "Half an hour!?" exclaims the man. "That won't do. I need this in fifteen minutes."

  "Fifteen minutes?" responds the baker. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. It wouldn't taste as good but..."

  "I don't care. Just get to it, please," blurts the man, while checking his watch frantically.

  So the baker goes back and makes the cake. He works faster than he ever has before, and somehow produces the cake in just under fifteen minutes. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be sufficient?" he asks.

  The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "No no!" he exclaims. "The 's' is the wrong shade of red! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now??"

  "Calm down," says the baker. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes..."

  "You can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well please, get going!"

  So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "S". A few minutes later he brings it back to the visibly distraught man. "There you go. Is this what you were looking for?" he asks.

  Once again the man scrutinizes the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of red, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."

  "Of course," says the baker, hastily readying the cash register. "Now, the boxes we have available are over here. Do you want to pick one out?"

  "Oh no, that won't be necessary," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
  
  
  

• Three wishes
  

  This chap walks into a pub and to his astonishment, notices that there's a chap stood at the bar who has a huge orange for a head. Despite his curiousity, the chap decides not to pry and sits down quietly.

  After a few drinks, curiosity has overcome the chap and he decides to enquire.

  "Excuse me, mate, but I couldn't help noticing you have a big orange for a head. What happened?"

  "Well," says the man with the big orange for a head, "I moved into a large old house not so long ago. One afternoon, I decided to explore the attic and found an old brass lamp in the corner. I rubbed the lamp and a Genie popped out, explained he had been trapped in there for two hundred years, and would grant me three wishes for releasing him."

  "So what did you ask for first?" asks the curious chap.

  "I asked for ten million pounds. The Genie clapped his hands, there was a flash of lightning, and he asked me to phone the bank, who confirmed my balance was now ten million pounds!"

  "What did you ask for with your second wish?"

  "Well, I asked if I could make love to the ten most beautiful women in the world. Again, the Genie clapped his hands, there was a flash of lightning, and the doorbell rang. Ten supermodels ran in, picked me up, carried me to bed, and ravished me all night!"

  "Wow," says the curious chap, "What did you ask for with your third wish?"

  "Well, I asked for a big orange for a head."
  
  
  

• Elephants Never Forget
  

  One day an explorer is out in the jungle. As he wanders along, he comes upon an elephant, crying with pain, a large thorn lodged in its foot.

  Feeling sorry for the elephant, the man carefully pulls out the thorn. The elephant looks at him gratefully, then limps off into the jungle.

  Many years later, the same man vists a circus, and sits in the front row. The elephant acts come on, but one of the elephants keeps looking over at the explorer. Eventually, the elephant breaks free, runs over to him... then picks the man up with his trunk, dashes him to the ground, and tramples him to death with his mighty feet.

  Why did the elephant do this?

  Answer hidden here:

  
  It wasn't the same elephant.
  

  (Highlight the text with your mouse to read it)
  
  
  

• Calling home
  

  Maid answers: Hello?
  Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone.
  Maid: Just a minute.
  Maid comes back after a minute: I'm sorry but she's indisposed in the bathroom.
  Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now!
  Maid stutters: She, she can't come to the phone right now.
  Tough Mafioso: If you don't get her on the phone in two seconds I'm gonna come over there and pull your jaw from your face.
  Maid stutters: You, you don't understand, she's in there with another man.
  Tough Mafioso: What!?!
  Maid: Yeah.
  Tough Mafioso: Listen, this is what I want you to do, I want you to shoot them both dead and then get rid of the gun.
  Maid stutters: I, I can't do that, I can't shoot anybody.
  Tough Mafioso: You do it Now!
  Maid stutters: I, I can't!
  Tough Mafioso: If you don't do it right now I'm gonna kill you and your whole family. Go do it now! I wanna hear the shots.
  Maid: Ok.
  
  The tough mafioso hears two loud shots over the phone.
  
  Maid stutters: I did it.
  Tough Mafioso: Good. Whad'ya you do with the gun?
  Maid stutters: I threw it in the pool.
  Tough Mafioso: Pool? What pool? We don't have a pool!? ...Is this 734-2264?
  
  
  

• How To Punish a Rabbi
  

  An orthodox Rabbi went golfing, although it was on the Sabbath. Gabriel saw him, and summoned God.

  "YHWH!" said Gabriel, "We have a rabbi golfing on the Sabbath. Strike him down with a lightning bolt." God said, "I've got better plans for him."

  Just then, the Rabbi took a swing at the ball, and it drove 420 yards, bounced and rolled up onto the green and fell directly into the cup, a hole-in-one. The Rabbi was ecstatic, whooping it up.

  Gabriel says to God, "What gives, I thought you were going to punish him?"

  God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
  
  
  

• CIA job application
  

  Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

  So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

  The next guy comes in. The diresctor tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

  So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus(glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."
  
  
  

• Important business
  

  I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

  I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

  Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello, Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

  Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said "Hi Chris, what's happening?"

  To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting".
  
  
  

• A tale of two cows
  

  The city guy decides one morning to go out for a walk in the country. As he is ambling down the sunny country path, he comes across a simple farmer, tending his two cows.

  "Good morning, farmer," says the city guy.

  "And good morning to you, sir," says the farmer. And he pauses, and waits.

  The city guy, out of his element, thinks that probably just ending it there isn't enough. Struggling for a further topic, he says, "Those are some fine cows you have there."

  "Oh, yes, the white cow is a lovely cow, she is," says the farmer.

  "And the black cow?"

  "Well," the farmer pauses, "... yes, I suppose the black cow is good too."

  "Yes, they certainly look fit and healthy," says the city guy.

  "Indeed, the white cow is the healthiest I've ever had! Never needed the vet, full of life!" responds the farmer.

  "And the black cow?"

  "Well,... yes, the black cow is pretty healthy too."

  "So I suppose they give a lot of milk then?"

  The farmer beams. "You should see the white cow, come milking time, she's full to bursting with the creamiest milk, she is. Oh yes indeed, the white cow gives a lot of milk she does."

  "And the black cow?"

  "Oh, well, yes... I suppose the black cow gives a lot of milk too."

  The city guy doesn't really know where to go with this. The farmer seems to really have something special for the white cow, even though the black cow seems just as good.

  "You know, farmer, I don't mean to intrude, but it seems every time I ask you really favour the white cow...."

  "Well, isn't it obvious?" asks the farmer, "The white cow is MY cow!"

  "Ah, I see. And the black cow?"

  "Well, yeah, the black cow is mine, too."
  
  
  

• Race horse prediction
  

  A geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist were summoned to meet a wealthy racehorse magnate. He told them he would give a million pounds to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After six months of hard work, they returned to present their results to the expectant millionaire.

  The geneticist said, "I've looked into all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back decades, but there are just too many behavioural and environmental factors. I can't help."

  The physiologist said, "I've looked at muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but the problem's too complex. There's just no guarantee of predicting a winner."

  Finally, the physicist calmly walks up to the millionaire and gives him an index card. "Here you go," he says "I've found an equation that solves the problem for you."

  "Wow," said the millionaire, "That's impressive...I'll get my cheque book."

  "Great. But there's one thing you should know," said the physicist. "It only works for a spherically symmetric horse travelling in a vacuum."