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Five years ago today, I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. – Jackie Mason
I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall
When my boyfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
They laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! – Bob Monkhouse
I backup all my data to vinyl. I constantly lose files, but the authenticity is worth it. – Bill Zeller
It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. – Marcus Brigstocke
I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving. – Sarah Silverman
We should’ve known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. – Alfred Hitchcock
Why is there something rather than nothing? Columbia philosopher Sidney Morgenbesser: "If there was nothing you’d still be complaining."
Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." W.C. Fields: "Yes, it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person. – James Martin
I used to think the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, well, look what's telling me that. – Emo Phillips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." – Emo Phillips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. – Emo Phillips
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. – Emo Phillips
When I was six, my family moved to a new city, but fortunately I was able to track them down. – Emo Phillips
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns
You say I'm afraid of commitment, but maybe it's you that's afraid of total uncertainty. – Cyranet.com greeting card
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals, it's just that they need more supervision. – Lynn Lavner
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. The owners no longer want their team's name to be associated with crime. So from now on the team will be known as The Bullets. – Argus Hamilton
Arms and the Man was one of George Bernard Shaw's first commercial successes. He was called onto stage after the curtain, where he received enthusiastic applause. However, amidst the cheers, one audience member booed. Shaw replied, in characteristic fashion, "My dear fellow, I quite agree with you, but what are we two against so many?"
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. – Robertson Davies
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. – Ashleigh Brilliant
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder. – Craig Charles
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Noel Coward
I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. – Groucho Marx
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. – Stephen Colbert at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it. – Clarence Darrow
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. – Dave Barry
Bodybuilders have to be very precise. If you lift a weight just one more time than you put it down, you're stuck carrying it around forever. – Mask Of Face
I've lived a lot of my life by a motto that I once found on a dry-cleaning bag, which said, 'To avoid suffocation, keep away from children.' – Graeme Hirst, Principles of Semantic Networks
To Joanna:
My brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing and endures all, and writes my dedications. – A.P. Malvino, Electronic Principles (1993)
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration. - Stan Kelly-Bootle
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when you fall down a manhole and die. – Mel Brooks
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. – H.L. Mencken
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Some people are like slinkys. Not really good for anything, yet you can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.
I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid. – James Demastus
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. – Kathy Norris
I'm just sayin', everyone that confuses correlation with causation eventually ends up dead. – Siberian Fox
Fashion savvy people probably look at my outfit the same way I look at a person who opens their laptop and has the Ask toolbar installed. – Brett Druck
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. – Terry Pratchett
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. – Darrin Weinberg
I don’t like people who take drugs. For example: airport security.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. – Larry Hardiman
I hear voices, but I ignore them and just carry on killing. - Sean Lock
"I recognize that the press and I have different jobs to do. My job is to be President; your job is to keep me humble. Frankly, I think I’m doing my job better." – President Obama at the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. – Steven Wright
There is a thin line between fishing and standing on a shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. – Steven Wright
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. – Steven Wright
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. – Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless. – Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. – Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. – Mitch Hedberg
So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. – Demetri Martin
I went to call my friend, I said, "Hello, is Chris there?" The lady said, "You have the wrong number." and I said, "No–I'm trying to avoid him." – Demetri Martin
We have polluted the skies, we have poisoned the oceans, we have burned the rain forests. (By "we," I mean me and my best friend, Ethan.) – Dan Liebert
I took my dog to the park to play frisbee with him. It was rubbish. I need a flatter dog. – Polly Jane Rocket Adams
These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers. – Tim Siedell
My doctor says you are what you eat, so I just ate a vegan. – Tim Siedell
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic. – Tim Siedell
Met a woman who said she's a legal secretary. Okay, I get it. You're over 18. Stop pushing yourself on me. – Tim Siedell
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog. – Ghost Mom
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. – Jack Handey
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt. – Mike Ginn
It's pretty messed up that the Beatles released a song called "Help!" and then an album called "Help!" and then a movie called "Help!" and nobody helped them and half of them died. – sunny jay real estate
Together, we can build a better America, colonize it, and use the old one for raw materials and target practice. – Steven Kaas
Arachnophobia is ignorant and antiquated. Just let the spiders get married.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighborhood. – @kingtorc
If you think this sentence is confusing, then change one pig. – Uilliam Bricken Jr.
This gubblick contains many nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be glorked from context. – David Moser
Thit sentence is not self-referential because 'thit' is not a word. – Douglas Hofstadter
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
In order to make sense of "this sentence" you will have to ignore the quotes in "it". – Douglas Hofstadter
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
"Playing with the use-mention distinction" isn’t "everything in life, you know". – Douglas Hofstadter
“Makes no sense makes no sense” makes no sense.
Let us make a new convention: that anything enclosed in triple quotes — for example, ‘‘‘No, I have decided to change my mind; when the triple quotes close, just skip directly to the period and ignore everything up to it’’’— is not even to be read (much less paid attention to or obeyed). – Douglas Hofstadter
Believing this statement will make you happier. – Ryan Lortie
When I heard about Russell’s paradox, I was unable to contain myself. – Colin Beveridge
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her skin was pale, like a pale ale… but her hair was amber, like an amber ale. – @mattybtweets69
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
"Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was... Voldemort!" – My Immortal (infamous goth Harry Potter fanfiction), ch. 9
Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating.
In anticipation, John licked his own lips. – A. Lloyd
Someone later remarked that the day had flown by, but to Werner Davis, it had seemed an eternity, passing like a kidney stone - slowly and excruciatingly - through the ureter of his life.
He walked into the place, looking at the stuff the guy had given him, comparing it to the things at the other place, and his face erupted in a big expression.
Genevieve ran toward the door as it slowly closed and grabbed Emil by the lapels of his rain-soaked camouflage jacket, drawing him into her warm embrace, burying her tear-streaked face in the nape of his neck and weeping uncontrollably, as might a mother clutching her son returned home from the horrors of the battlefield, a response Emil could scarcely recall receiving from other WalMart greeters.
Percival's mind often wandered as he worked, and he would think endlessly, thinking about thinking, thinking about thinking about thoughts about thinking, and thoughts thereupon thunk, until in his reverie he fell from the mizzen mast into the briny depths of the great sea and was never heard from again, which is why this story does not involve him.
The alien's single eye glowed on its stalk like the headlight of a police motorcycle pursuing a speeder on a dark highway on a stormy night, its ears protruding from its head like an old Garfield toy beginning to fall off the suction cups sticking it to the rear windshield of a battered Lincoln Towncar, and its lips, thick and rubbery like a spandex bathing suit on an overweight retired bodybuilder, struggled to form the words, 'I love you.'
"You shall bear many children," he toasted, "and feed them with your ample breasts," and I was sure I'd married the right man.
The door dilated1.
1This is in the future, when doors dilate instead of opening the way they do now.
John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, "How do you like surfing?"
Sadly, Jim retracted his penis; it obviously wasn't welcome here. – Alex Burleson
Princess Amabel brushed her silky golden hair and tried not to think about my breasts. – Hannah Sim
“AAHHH” she screamed in horror as her infant rocketed from inside her towards the free world. – Ryan Hix
Her perfectly formed breasts swayed soothingly as I (also a woman, this isn’t a “male gaze” thing) fell in love with them. – Greg Filpus
“Caw! Caw!” went the birds as the massacres happened (the birds represent sadness). – Mike Sylvia
He was short and fat, like his penis, which was also both, but this story is not about his penis, but about him instead. – Conrad Wesley
Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
F. E. Smith, 1st Earl of Birkenhead, was a legendary barrister who fired off amazing retorts in open court.
Judge: What do you suppose that I am on the bench for, Mr. Smith?
Smith: It is not for me to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.
Judge: Are you trying to show contempt for this court, Mr Smith?
Smith: No, My Lord. I am attempting to conceal it.
Judge: Really, Mr Smith, do give this Court credit for some little intelligence.
Smith: That is the mistake I made in the Court below, My Lord.
Judge: I have listend very carefully, Mr. Smith, to what you have said, but I am none the wiser.
Smith: None the wiser perhaps, my Lord, but far better informed.
It isn't easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. – Homer Simpson
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! (pause) Except the weasel. – Homer Simpson
If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such – Homer Simpson
He has all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy... (pause) ...a dinosaur! –Homer Simpson
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. – Homer Simpson
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? – Homer Simpson
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! – Homer Simpson
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in there every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. – Homer Simpson
Homer Simpson: "Mr Burns, you're the richest person I know".
Mr Burns: "Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more".
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